I've seen the part beyond the sky. It's velvet.

Monday, April 30, 2007

OH NO!!

I'm feeling a little bit depressed right now. My birthday's on Thursday and it seems like the whole world's got something on on THAT very day which means that despite this being like the FIRST birthday in YEARS that I don't have exams/school/crazy assignments/TSD journal to complete it will still be mundane, boring and uneventful. That's really sad man. Firstly, everyone's working or at army. Secondly, my dad's not in town (but it's okay that's not his fault cos they just HAD to make the meeting on may 3rd). Thirdly, my brothers have school and tuition that evening and fourthly, my mommy has a meeting that night and she offered to just not go for it but oh well I shouldn't be so selfish lah.

I can tell everyone's feeling guilty about it and honestly I'm not angry at them or anything cos I know they didn't CHOOSE to be busy but I can't help feeling a little sad about it. I know they're trying to make up for it.. Like my mom told me she wants to take us all for a movie tmr and take me shopping at Vivo on Wed. Oh well..

Okay okay I should stop acting like a princess and pretend like the whole world should work according to my desires cos I'm turning 19 and it's time to be a big girl. SIGHH.

Okay, doesn't matter. I'm going to make sure that it turns out fine anyway. I'm sure the ANNTS will go out with me on Thursday night, and we'll choose a nice yummy restaurant to go to :). Also, I can go out with my mommy and bros before their tuition for dessert or something. Yup okay. As for Thursday morning.. Hmm maybe I can drag my mommy to Orchard or something to hang out. Hopefully she'll treat me to one of the many cravings I've had lately- the beautiful long brown Guess bag I saw or a complete make-up set from MAC/Bobbi Brown. I mean they're 100+ each but it's okay to get a treat once in a while right? Oh and SHADES. Omg I'm dying for a good pair of cool shades that look perfect on me but I haven't found them yet! Yes okay. I shall be a material girl and allow myself to crave for these expensive unnecessary stuff :):).

Apart from that I think the weekend will be absolutely fantabulous. I definitely have to meet karm maya bob etc etc (maybe we can go paintballing on sunday and then go eat afterwards? SO FUN!), meet my TKGS friends, meet my sindhi friends, have a sleepover with the ANNTS on saturday night and friday is also CHOPPED. But everything's pretty tentative so hopefully it works out!

Thursday, April 19, 2007

For once, I can seriously say that I'm not wasting my time on someone I purely have a lot of fun with, but instead am spending my precious last few months in Singapore with someone who's sensible, responsible, hardworking, good-hearted and very very understanding. For once it's not someone who just charms me and impresses me, but someone who's a best friend and doesn't look at me superficially but sees who I am on the inside. It's so hard to find someone you click with so well.. and despite not knowing what the future will be like, I just know that even if this blessing is temporary, it's a blessing alright.

I just really hope that because this is so uncertain, with so many questions left unanswered, at least these 5 months will sail smoothly. No nonsense from my parents or arguments or whatever. So I can leave having nothing but beautiful memories :).

It's so strange why things happen at a certain time. Like why now? But I've lived long enough to know that things happen for a reason.. and so sometimes you just have to live for today and worry about tomorrow tomorrow. :)

Thursday, April 12, 2007

I don't know why, but when I woke up this morning, I started thinking of What-Ifs.

Most of the time, when people start worrying about What-If questions, it's when they have to make an important decision for the future. You know, like What If I took up this course in university, What If I got a dog, What If I went out with this guy/girl or whatever. But it was so strange, because I started thinking of What-If questions that related to my past.

I think it's the whole feeling of going away. I know I know, you'd think I'd be used to it by now but I'm really not. I'm so dependable on my family and friends, and I'm so attached to them, that honestly I don't think I'll ever be used to the fact that I'm going away. Moreover, there never seems to be a day go by without someone, either a friend or family member, talking to me about it. So it pretty much clogs up a big part of my brain.

And that's why I start thinking of What-Ifs that make me get a little bit emotional.

I thought about What If Ankita and I never ended up in the same Hindi School class when we were 6 years old. I mean, they have classes from A to like D or E or whatever (all considered to be the same standard tho, it's just like a label), but somehow we both ended up in A. And that's how I met the bestest friend I could ever ask for. I mean seriously, what if the A class was full and they put me in the B class, for instance? I would have probably never met her, and my life would probably be SO different now without her nagging me, annoying me, scolding me, and of course caring for me and being there for me through thick, thin, rain and shine so that I never, NEVER feel like I'm alone. Seriously. What If.

What If I never took part in that dance for Bhavna's wedding when I was 11. I would have never gotten close to Shanti. We had always been family friends, but somehow we just never got the opportunity to get close. It was during that dance that we hung out SO much and clicked SO well that I can proudly say she's a sister to me now. I mean, how often do you find a person who has the exact same parents and almost life as you? Sometimes I feel like my parents get unreasonable but then I realise that it should be quite a common thing cos Shan's in the same boat. And that's why it's so great to ask her for advice cos I know it will be the right one, considering how we're like different people born into almost similar circumstances. But What If I never met her? I bet I'd have done so many more stupid things without her.

And there are so many questions to that effect. Like What If I didn't go to VJ and INSISTED I wanted to go to AC? I mean seriously it was such a last minute decision to switch to VJ. Just imagine, I wouldn't have been in the funkiest class ever, taken TSD which I swear was probably the BEST experience of my life, met Karm Maya and EVERYONE else, met Ashish, Kushal, Ashwin and so many other people who I know will always be my pals. Seriously, we go out with Kushal Ashish and stuff so often that sometimes I feel like I've known them all my life.. but this morning I suddenly realised, What If I hadn't gone to VJ. And it just feels so weird.

It just makes you really wonder if the Big Guy up there seriously has some things planned out for you. I mean, maybe not everything's planned out.. but there are these small things that you really have no control over but they just happen, and then poof your whole life changes. I mean, what if vishal never persisted calling me, he wouldn't be like a bro to me now. If I never wished prashant happy birthday, he wouldn't be one of my closest friends ever now. Just things like that. Small things that go a long way.. and that make you smile everytime you think about it. Which is why even though the What If questions made me even more sad to leave, it kind of consoled me a little, because I was happy that those things happened, and i just knew that there's someone up there who'll continue to bless me with these small things that just make life so much more beautiful.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Okay I know I haven't updated my blog for like the longest time but honestl, just about a million things have happened in my life.

I wrote my last post after I first saw my dearest uncle in the hospital after being flown down from Indonesia in an SOS plane. I thought that was the scariest experience of my life until I actually saw him pass away, in front of my own eyes, into God's kingdom, into His lap. I don't quite want to blog about it now because it happened about 2 weeks ago, but I will say that I'm extremely proud of everyone, especially my aunt and cousins, for being so strong about it. For knowing that life has to go on and they should still be happy despite it because he will always be with them and shower him with their love, everyday, like he used to. I mean things will not be easy, but there's always a way out of hardship, and I'm so glad they realised that. I remember that during the few days after he passed away, during the prayers, there were so many coincidences that we knew were not coincidences that occurred showing us that he was around and that he was happy. It's was honestly such a crazy emotional ride, something I've never experienced in my life before.. but I'm really proud of everyone for getting through it. And I thank everyone who was there for me while I was going through it.

I just ended my internship with Drew and Napier LLC and I must say that it was SUCH a fantastic experience. Not only was it fun because the 10 other interns were super friendly and fun-loving people, but the work given to us was never too taxing or difficult so we ended up learning so much and being happy to learn it all. My mentor was in the Litigation department so I got the amazing opportunity of sitting in the Chambers at the High Court and reading and working on divorce cases, company law cases and just so much more. The lawyers there have a hectic schedule but it's wonderful to see how they balance work and play (of course, not all do but that's inevitable) because some of them honestly never fail to crack me up and have me thinking, even if its just for a split second, that they're 19 as well and we're all just friends at school or something. It's like they can switch code, sometimes they're super serious, busy, no-time-for-nonsense people, and sometimes they're just so easygoing and light-hearted that you feel so at home. Of course it gets intimidating when they're in their serious modes cos you just feel like you're disturbing them everytime you genuinely need to ask them something, but then again I guess they have to because they're dealing with serious stuff. There were times when I felt like I was getting in their way and honestly I think we were considering how we're A level graduates and can't help them with much, but then they give you these huge welcoming smiles that show you they actually like you and things seem to be okay again. So all in all, I love the firm and more importantly love the work there and am SURE that I want to pursue a Law degree! Which is fantastic cos I was so afraid the internship might just make me think twice about it. Of course I also now know what the crazy hours are like, how hard the work can get, how bosses can just be a pain in the neck, but then again no job is easy.. you just have to choose the one that you would sacrifice all that for. I mean I'm still not sure if I will end up being a lawyer but it's definitely an option now!

Moving on, I sent a letter to LSE to ask if they could confirm my place there without me having to withdraw my other applications on UCAS cos a few schools have yet to reply me and they said yes!! TADAA!! sOOoO *DRUMROLL* TASHIE IS GOING TO LSE!!!! YIPpPppPiEEE!! HaHAHAH I still can't get over it! I remember seeing the school while I was in the car in London about 1 1/2 yrs ago and thinking "YEAHHH sure dream on Tash" but omg now the dream that I never even dared to dream is coming true! I'm honestly on top of the world and I have soo many people, especially God, to thank for it! :). I honestly still don't know how the 4 As came about but it just about tells you that when you work the hardest you can, you may surprise yourself because you never know what you can achieve until you achieve it! So moral of the story is never say die and just keep going. But of course I know that the reason it happened is because I put a 100% in and that I must continue to do so if I want to achieve greater things later in life. :)

ANYWAY. I have super funky news. I've got hair extensions! Okay brace yourself for it.. I put PINK, RED, BLONDE and COFFEE coloured extensions in my hair! There are about 14 of them altogether and sometimes it's not very obvious when they're all hidden but when they're not they're superrrr FUNKy! I honestly love them. I just did them like in the spur of the moment cos my aunt told me to just try them out but hahah they're really quite nice! It's nothing like what I've had before, with all the browns, so I'm really lovin' it. Haha:)

Well..

I think I got caught at the wrong place at the wrong time this time. Or maybe it's the right time since I'm so free. But I'm honestly confused and scared about getting close to new friends at this particular point in life because I know my life's going to change in a few months. I mean old is gold and I know I've built such strong frienships with my other friends that things will be fine when I get back, but I'm somewhat afraid of getting close to new people because I'm afraid of what things will be like once I have to leave. I mean, lets be practical about it, I really don't know when I'll be back. I honestly want to get a job in a Magic Circle law firm there and if by God's grace I do then how can things work out? But at the same time, I can't help but get closer because I enjoy the person/people's company and can't help but feel like they will understand when I have to leave... and that if things work out then they will but I shouldn't totally block the idea out of my head. And I guess what's biting me from the back of my mind are bad past experiences and also, in quite an ironic way, sweet memories that I don't know if are still supposed to be in my mind. SIgh okay I know none of you think I make any sense and neither do I because I'm confused. But in a way I think it's so silly to be thinking so much about this at the age of 19 when I'm supposed to just do what I feel like doing, and know that if I don't do it I will never know what it was like. Okay now I've confused you too. Sorry.

I really feel like the crazy month that just passed by has made me a little bit more stressed than usual cos I'm no longer in the relaxed, heck-care, post A levels mood but NOW that I'm FREEEE again I'm going to try to relax again :). Watch allllll my new dvds (including season 1,2,3 of Greys Anatomy, 30 Rock and Prison Break season 2!!), exercise regularly, eat healthier food and spend more time with my family and friends. Once I'm relaxed again I'll go look for a nice, happy, fun, relaxing job which I will stick with until Sept after which I will fly off hoping that the people in Singapore will still remember me (SOB!) and that the people there will welcome me with open arms! It's such a scary thought now that it's real but I MUST BE BRAVE! And of course, just have a little faith :).

Sunday, February 25, 2007

My uncle's in hospital and I think this has definitely been one of the scariest things I've ever been through.

It was crazy when my mom told me yesterday night that he was in critical care because he had dengue fever in Jakarta due to the floods, which caused him to have water in his lungs thus making breathing painful and hard. I mean it's so weird, we breathe every moment every second of our lives and we never appreciate it. But yesterday, when we rushed to the hospital at 2am in the morning, and I saw them bring him down from the ambulance and straight into the emergency room I wanted to cry scream pray and just run away all at the same time. He was struggling a little and I could see his chest heave up and down so distinctly as he tried to get the oxygen running through his body.

They had flown him down on the SOS plane from Jakarta with my aunt cuz and a few others. My aunt was really panic-striken, you could see she wanted to cry but not cry at the same time so she could remain practical and think straight. My two cousins whom I'm really close to just look confused and almost helpless because they just seriously didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to do either.

I ended up doing my best by doing the silliest things like settling the registration, food, and just talking to my cousins and uncle's while they were waiting, just to get their mind off it. I guess I'm quite good at talking nonsense, so it helped. And of course my super duper trick of offering people food WITH LOVE and saying that if they don't eat it they don't love me and won't get my love. Hee hee. But it helped cos my cuz finally ate after having vomitted everything she ate for the past day and smiled and laughed at my not-funny-but-worthy-to-laugh-at jokes. Oh of course I did my other trick of saying that I'm superrrrrrr hungry but won't eat until they eat which makes me feel guilty for lying but much happier when they eat :).

We got home at about 5am in the morning after the doctor forced us to all go home except for my aunt and another aunt. My cuz slept with me and WOW, gosh was the girl exhausted. She's only 16, I really can't imagine how she's being so strong. Really remarkable. But she hadn't slept properly in 4 days, possibly didn't sleep at all. I guess it's cos when you're there with your mom you feel so responsible that if she doesn't sleep you don't want to sleep either. But yesterday she came to my house and after talking nonsense with her she finally said she wanted to sleep and my goodness, the NEXT INSTANT she was sleeping so soundly, I could hear her breathing like a baby and it made me feel so good and relaxed :).

We were all up in a few hours, went to eat lunch and then straight to the hospital. I was there the whole day again just being there to give moral support and at least my cuz was so much more relaxed so went to starbucks and took a walk so she'd get out of the hospital. I was supposed to stay over with her today but apparently there's no space there and my uncle doesn't want us sleeping there anyway, so I came home while the rest checked into a nearby hotel. My cuz told me she really wanted me to stay with her but I really couldn't because of all the complications. I really hope I get to go early tmr.

Sigh. It really makes to realise that whatever it is, however much we quarrel with our parents, they're really our God at the end of the day. Without them we'd be so lost and insecure. They're our everything, in the truest meaning of the phrase, and I really pray he'll be fine. I have a good feeling he will and I have faith too so lets hope for the best. :) God is great anyway!

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

OMG I swear I've never felt so fit and unfit at the same time in my life before! I joined Amore Fitness this month and I've been for quite a few lessons (DUH I better make use of the Unlimited Classes per month package) which include Hip Hop dancing, Kickboxing, Pilates, NewBody Workout and omigoodness this morning when I woke up my whole body ACHED. My neck, my arms, my thighs. It was crazy! I felt old. I really did. But for all those considering it, I must say that I really think it's super worth it cos you have fun while you work out and you learn so many new things! But beware, it's a little bit hard when you first start cos some of the people there are like PROO and you cant help gasping at them instead of paying attention to how you look like you're part of the circus jumping up and down and tripping over yourself :).

SO.

Wowwieee it's Valentine's tmr! I mean I'm not happy cos I have a date or anything cos I DON'T but it's just the whole idea of it that's nice. I'm quite silly to say no to boys even though the explicitly say hey lets just go out as friends but I don't know I'm just too afraid that if I really take it that we're going out as friends but he starts to think differently then someone's heart will have to be broken and that's just the saddest thing in the world. My parents decided that we'll all go for a nice dinner tmr to celebrate the day (but *ahem* my bro said he actually already had plans and they told him to make it a lunch instead HAHA) which is quite nice cos at least I'll feel loved.

And it's really nice when someone messages you saying he wants to be the first to wish you Happy Valentine's Day. It made my tummy tingle. :)

I WANT TO WATCH LITTLE CHILDREN! Like Omiged la, TODAY gave it 5 stars. And they NEVER give any movie 5 stars! YIKES!! Must watch.

I can't believe I have tickets to The Pickleking but I'm going to Batam so I won't be able to go for it!! So instead of wasting it I'm giving it to some friends. I hope they secretly videotape it or something and give it to me as a present. Haha no lah it's ok it makes me feel good anyway to do something nice.

WeLL! Should get some rest for tmr's Latino dance and Belly Dancing class, during which I will confirm embarrass myself then laugh at myself but hey it's fun :)

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

HAHA! I can't believe we're in today's The New Paper!

It's sooo silly. And our picture looks so funny! Shanti and I were interviewed by a reported from The New Paper yesterday because we were buying tickets to watch the ASEAN Cup Finals Live for the first time yesterday. And we bought 40+ tickets! So the reporter thought it was an awesome story, because we were first-timers and yet buying so many tickets.

But the real story is just that we were being bullied by our friends and family to go buy the tickets at 11 in the morning, even before the booth opened, because everyone else had school or work.

SO FUNNY.

Anyway, I'm REALLY excited about tomorrow's match! My friends persuaded me to get grandstand tickets so eventually I did :). I guess this means I'll be missing out on some of the rowdy fun at the normal seats but ALSO that I'll be sheltered while they won't if it rains. And also the view there is better. So I guess eventually it evens out :).

I'm really excited! :)

Friday, January 26, 2007

What if a coincidence is God's miracle.. in which he chooses to remain anonymous?

I NEED A HOLIDAYYYYY!!

I know I just came back from one and I know I've just been a bum at home giving tuition once a week and shopping/eating/wasting time with friends everyday but I'm damn bloody serious when I say I need a holiday. Yes. NEED.

Need not in the sense that there's anything here I need to get away from. I mean, life's unpredictable but good right now so that's fine (except the insecurity of turning 19 soon but not even registering that I'm 18 or feeling like I'm 18, even though I dunno what it is I want to feel) but it's just the fact that my parents are taking so many holidays! WHY CAN'T I COME TOO.

My mom just went to Genting and KL with 2 of my aunts and their son and I could've gone except my cuz from Jakarta was here so I wanted to keep her company.

My dad is going to Goa during the Chinese New Year holidays with 2 men so why'd he wanna take his daughter. BUT IM DYING TO GO TO GOA!! I heard it's wild and the beaches are gorgeous.

And at the end of Feb my parents are going to Pakistan with the Press Club. HELLO FOLKS. How many cool places do u want to go to? Okay, I know I had school last year when you went to Russia (OMG RUSSIA) but can't I come now?! But apparently the Press Club only allows for members to bring their spouses. Sigh.

Nevermind.

Speaking of being a bum, I think I've mastered being one. I watch a movie almost everyday, go to the beach almost everyday and go out quite a lot (except my parents are starting to give me the eye now).

But I do give tuition :). And it's fun.

Okay okay yes fine. I can't be a bum forever. So today I applied for an internship at a legal firm and I REALLLLLY hope I get it. I've been thinking about it for so long but I guess I wanted a break after Bedroom Farce.

My father's also been asked to write a book for Keppel Corp. and guess who's his new assistant ;). Working hours for this one will be 9 to 5 everyday and the pay is not bad. And best part is that if anything crops up (hopefully the legal firm job) then I can just tell him I'll start working after the internship. Really hope it works out.

We went to watch EVERTHING BUT THE BRAIN on Tuesday. It was fantastic in the sense that Pam Oei is just as good in her role as a 36 year old Physics teacher struggling in her love/hate relationship with her ailing father. I especially love the way she acts as her 6 year old self in her flashbacks, the way she isn't able to ever sit still and throws tantrums in a way that isn't cringe-worthy. And also the way the fourth wall is broken in a very seamless manner that the play becomes personal for anyone watching it. But I must admit that a part of me wishes that I hadn't watched it for the second time. When I watched it in 2005 I was so so so impressed by it that it has since been one of my all-time favourites. And I guess when you love something so much the memories just get nicer and nicer in your mind so that when you visit it again somehow something seems missing.

It was so nice meeting Pri and Yeek after the play at Mrs Fields. I swear Pri is suchh a ditto of her mom! And Yeek looks good with a beanie :). Pri's mom was so sweet to give us cookies and tea on the house! Yummy yummy.

I wish we could all have a TSD batch reunion one day. I really miss everyone :(.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

I can't believe Bedroom Farce is over! Completely finished with, after the past month of slogging, crying and laughing over it.

I must admit that it was so so soooo hard for me at first. I really felt bloody lost. I mean, seriously, how do you play an old woman who's rather slow-paced yet funny, endearing yet naggy, and alert yet quite blur about her sex life all at the same time? I don't know how I did it, but I must say that I'm really proud of the result. Friday's run, I felt, was quite good really. It's just too bad that the lights board got spoilt, which resulted in the wrong rooms being lit at the wrong times, and with all 3 rooms being lit the entire time in Act 2. Saturday's run was the best! I really felt it. I think it's got to do with the fact that the audience was a really good mix, so every couple had a group of people who understood their jokes. Sunday's run was very very good too!

I'm just really thankful to have been given the opportunity to do it. I mean, sure, we had our problems, conflicts, all the usuals. But it was so fun finally being in a professional production. Having the entire Singapore know about us from TODAY, Life! and 93.8FM. Feels like we really accomplished something big :).

After Sunday's run we cleaned up and then walked all over Robertson Quay and then Clarke Quay looking for something to makan. I was horribly tired though so I didn't stay when everyone went for drinks, I just went home and crashed my bed. Broke my record for latest-waking-up-time when I woke up at 3pm. Gosh I was that tired! But it was so awesome, you know, for all of us to just hang out, talk nonsense, have fun, crack jokes. Bedroom Farce really brought new friends into my life. I love every single one of them, which is so awesome, because it's so hard to get along well with people you never knew existed before.

I'm quite glad I've got a part time job. I'll be giving English tution to a few Sec 4 and Sec 3 students at my tutor's tuition centre at Bugis every Wed now. But that's just to help him out. On top of that I hope to get a job at a legal firm.

Anyway, for all those who want to know what's up with me and him, I'll tell you, since it's not a secret anymore. Frankly, I think he thinks it's too hard to be friends. I think he's minimising the amount he talks to me. It hurts, but I can understand it lah. I don't blame him and I'm still a happy girl :). So all is good.

THANK YOU so much to every single person who came to support me at Bedroom Farce. It really makes me feel like I'm on top of the world when people tell me what an awesome show it was! It really does. So thank you so so soo much. I can't say thank you enough, but I can safely say that's it shown me what great, true friends you guys are. LOVEEE YOU!